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Although I've known for months now that we have to move and leave our idyllic wee farm, the reality of it hit me, hard, this morning.
I fed Beau, tidied up his stall, filled the water bucket and brushed the night's accumulation of mud and crud from his coat - and realized that he's moving on tomorrow morning. I'm selling or giving away most of my horse and barn stuff and essentially watching my lifelong dream of living on a farm and having my horse at hand die.
So I sat on a bucket and sobbed. Hoover, the dog, didn't know WHAT to do other than sit and lick my salty face while I howled for a while in utter misery.
The realities of growing older include reduced physical strength and stamina with which to handle the chores that need to be done to maintain a place like this. But, since it took me a lifetime to find this spot, it truly breaks my heart to leave - even though I know we have to.
For the past several weeks I've been deluding myself that it's ok; that I'm excited about having a new house and new appliances (which I am). But, it still doesn't compensate for the sense of loss I'm feeling or the torrent of tears that need to be shed.
Nevertheless, I'm resilient to a fault and will, no doubt, bounce back and move on as one must do in this life.
I felt the same way when we moved. Elation over owning a newer home, almost giddy over the amount of increased space, etc. Yet the excitement was tempered with the passing of an age. We physically moved from one home to another but it changes us. The move to a new emotional maturity was surprisingly beautiful yet frightful...We became homeOWNERS and that means we are grown up now...doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteCeci, I'm so sad for you. I'm glad you can cry it out, though. You need to do that. You'll have to mourn for a while, even though you tell yourself it's okay.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a beautiful spot and you've taken such great care of it. It's my favorite "wee farm" and I say so almost every time I go by!
Keep looking foward, treasure your time you had on the farm and enjoy what's ahead (new appliances - YAY!).
I got nothing. I think I'll pull up a bucket and howl along with you. Sometimes, reality just sucks.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Oh Ceci -- this is sad. Yes, you will bounce back, but why does the bounce have to be so painful?! Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Ceci - we are both sitting here feeling every bit of your grief. Beau has been your most constant, dependable friend and confidant for such a long time. You will need to allow yourself time to grieve and it is so much better to 'howl' than to try to suppress or hide it. Kudos to you for sharing it on your blog where the people who truly understand your feelings for Beau can offer support.
ReplyDeleteOur hearts are breaking for you as you prepare to leave this dream behind - and it was a beautiful dream. I recall when you first got Beau settled there and began the task of putting in the hay, ensuring that he was fenced in etc. You were truly like a child who had been given its greatest heart's desire for Christmas. Thank goodness you are a photographer because it has allowed you to capture all the memories, good and bad, It may seem bittersweet now but it will be such a comfort down the road.
All the wonderful memories will gradually replace the sadness and grieving. You are in our thoughts every day and we wish there was something we could do for you besides just loving you both.
All our love, Sis, always and forever
Dawn & Kelly
How did I miss all this as it was happening? (ah yes, I remember...wrapped up in final stages of book) I know how you feel, Dear One - I left my own country home 4 yrs ago. If I'd had to let a four-legged companion go too, I would have wilted into a puddle.
ReplyDeleteWe can share heartaches in person next month.